Behind Children's Stubbornness May Lie Parents' Childhood Wounds
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Some children persistently refuse to use the toilet, even soiling their pants. The more parents anxiously urge them, the more children resist, eventually becoming a "power struggle." Psychologically, children's toilet refusal often reflects complex parent-child interaction issues.
Behind Children's Stubbornness May Lie Parents' Childhood Wounds
Some children persistently refuse to use the toilet, even soiling their pants. The more parents anxiously urge them, the more children resist, eventually becoming a "power struggle."
Psychologically, children's toilet refusal often reflects complex parent-child interaction issues.
**A 5-Year-Old Boy's Story**
Little Ben's (pseudonym) story began with a "toilet war." The 5-year-old preferred holding bowel movements for 3 days rather than using the toilet. Parental urging consistently ended with his laughter or rage.
Superficially appearing as "rebellion," deeper analysis revealed: Ben's parents grew up in strict, cold families, developing avoidant attachment patterns - they habitually suppressed emotional needs, believing "independence" was virtuous.
This pattern projected into parenting as emotional detachment: When Ben cried from anxiety, parents either angrily scolded him or gave cold treatment, interpreting his helplessness as "intentional defiance."
**Vicious Cycle Formation**
Parents' psychological process: Childhood neglect experiences → Forming "emotions are useless" beliefs → Avoiding children's emotional needs.
Children's behavioral responses: Lack of parental emotional response → Using "stubbornness" to mask shame → Defiant behavior further angers parents.
Both parties entered a "you chase, I escape" negative cycle, with Ben's toilet training becoming a power struggle battlefield.
**Solution: Three-Pronged Approach**
The research team designed an integrated approach combining cognitive-behavioral therapy, mentalization intervention, and emotion-focused therapy.
**Step 1: Gamified Behavior Plan to Break Resistance**
Instead of directly correcting behavior, therapists created a shared "enemy" for parents and child - "Sneaky Poop."
Parents read Ben "Defeat Sneaky Poop" stories, transforming toilet training into cooperative games. Daily "battle times" involved family-designed toilet missions.
This strategy cleverly shifted parental roles from "child supervisors" to "child allies," reducing children's shame.
**Step 2: Mentalization Training - Decoding Behavior Meanings**
Parents initially believed Ben intentionally opposed them. Therapists guided reflection through questions: - "When denying soiled pants, what might your child feel besides stubbornness?" - "How did you feel when neglected by parents as a child?"
Through repeated practice, parents gradually realized Ben's "laughter" might be shame-masking defense mechanisms, while his resistance actually expressed emotional connection needs.
**Step 3: Emotional Healing - Resolving Parents' Childhood Wounds**
Therapy revealed that Ben's resistance triggered immediate paternal rage or withdrawal. Emotion-focused techniques traced this reaction to father's childhood emotional punishment trauma.
Therapists guided father to experience childhood fear and loneliness, reinterpreting emotions: "Your anger protects that helpless inner child."
When father finally felt compassion for his past self, his attitude toward Ben transformed - from "You must obey me!" to "I'll be here with you."
**From Vicious to Virtuous Cycle**
After 6-month intervention, Ben stopped withholding bowel movements, with parent-child interactions revitalized. The most crucial changes occurred in his parents.
**Behavioral Level**: From "avoiding toilet reminders" to actively creating cooperative opportunities
**Cognitive Level**: From "child intentionally opposes parents" to understanding behavior's emotional needs
**Emotional Level**: From "anger/detachment" to "acceptance/companionship"
**Psychology Tips for Parents**
**1. Externalize Problems** When children show stubborn behavior, try naming the problem (like "Grumpy Monster"), making children feel you're jointly fighting external enemies rather than each other.
**2. Daily Mentalization Practice** Spend 5 minutes before bed asking: "What emotions might today's behavior reflect? Was my reaction influenced by childhood experiences?"
**3. Emotional First Aid Kit** When parent-child conflicts trigger strong anger, use "deep breathing - body awareness - warm memory recall" for self-soothing, avoiding automatic reactions.
**4. Create Cooperation** Design special parent-child playtimes (like "Crazy 10 Minutes") to rebuild trust through pressure-free interactions.
