Dependency and Avoidance in Love: Why Some People Can't Leave Painful Relationships
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In the world of relationships, not all experiences are beautiful. Some people find themselves feeling anxious whenever their partner isn't around, even giving up work or ignoring friends to maintain the relationship.
Dependency and Avoidance in Love: Why Some People Can't Leave Painful Relationships
In the world of relationships, not all experiences are beautiful. Some people find themselves feeling anxious whenever their partner isn't around, even giving up work or ignoring friends to maintain the relationship. Even when the relationship causes them pain, they can't let go. Some say this is loving too deeply, others think it's excessive dependency. Research suggests this might be a phenomenon called love addiction.
What is Love Addiction?
Love addiction is a psychological dependency phenomenon with similar psychological characteristics to common substance dependencies. When someone becomes excessively obsessed with a relationship, even when it harms themselves and affects normal life and work, yet still can't let go, they may be experiencing love addiction.
Through observational studies of multiple couples, scientists discovered that love addiction has complex relationships with attachment patterns and interpersonal dependency. Relationship entanglements often stem from our psychological patterns.
Understanding Attachment Patterns
From childhood interactions with parents and caregivers, we form different attachment patterns that continue influencing adult intimate relationships. Insecure attachment mainly has two types: attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance.
People with attachment anxiety always worry about being abandoned in relationships, particularly needing their partner's attention and affirmation. They might repeatedly confirm if their partner still loves them, feel anxious when messages aren't replied to promptly, and even use exaggerated emotional expressions to gain attention.
Attachment avoidant people are the opposite - they fear excessive intimacy and prefer keeping distance. They're reluctant to depend on others emotionally or physically, like instinctively avoiding hugs when partners want them, or preferring to solve problems alone rather than seeking help.
Impact of Interpersonal Dependency
Interpersonal dependency is another important factor, more like a personality trait influencing our behavior in relationships. Interpersonal dependency has three dimensions:
- Confidence: Sense of security and self-worth in relationships - Autonomy: Ability to maintain independent space - Emotional dependency: Degree of emotional need for the partner
These three dimensions interact with attachment patterns and love addiction, collectively shaping our relationship status.
Love addiction is particularly closely related to emotional dependency. In a relationship, the more someone feels they can't live without their partner, the higher their love addiction level. Over time, this need for exclusivity becomes more apparent.
On the other hand, love addiction is negatively correlated with attachment avoidance. People who avoid intimate relationships are less likely to develop love addiction, which makes sense since avoidant types naturally fear depending on others.
Attachment anxiety is particularly closely related to low confidence. People with attachment anxiety often feel they can't handle life's problems well and feel uncomfortable in social situations. This low confidence makes them more dependent on their partner's affirmation, creating a vicious cycle.
Attachment avoidance is most closely related to autonomy. Avoidant people prefer solitude - they don't need others' participation to be happy. They strengthen autonomy to avoid depending on others, building psychological walls to prevent others from getting close.
Understanding Relationship Entanglements
Actually, many relationship entanglements have traceable patterns. A love-addicted person might have been frequently neglected in childhood, with attachment anxiety making them particularly need others' attention, leading to excessive dependency on partners to fill this void as adults.
An avoidant person might have been required to be independent and suppress emotions in childhood, gradually learning to suppress their needs, using "I don't need others" as self-protection in adulthood, while actually fearing rejection.
Problem-solving confidence is the core factor in this entire relationship network. We can start building confidence with small things, trying to make our own decisions, completing work independently, gradually establishing a "I can do it" feeling.
Importantly, whether love addiction, attachment anxiety, or avoidance, these aren't flaws but imprints from past experiences. Understanding these imprints and finding their connections helps us manage relationships more calmly, making love nourishing rather than burdensome.
Practical Suggestions
1. Enhance problem-solving confidence: Make small decisions daily, affirm yourself mentally after completion, gradually building confidence
2. Reduce emotional dependency burden: Spend 30 minutes alone daily doing something just for yourself, gradually breaking free from revolving around your partner
3. Alleviate attachment anxiety: Record moments when your partner gives positive responses, review these good times when worrying about abandonment
4. Adjust attachment avoidance: Start with small sharing - tell your partner one small thing daily, practicing opening your inner world
5. Balance autonomy and dependency: Do something with your partner weekly while also doing something independently, finding the balance point
